Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Southern Benders

It seems our Southern (bender) cousins, I can say this with complete impunity as I am essentially from France, have had enough of scampi fries and fucking frazzles and are also jumping on the scratching band wagon.  The cunts.

Regular reader and long time bender Marco Tagliatelle-carbonara-plastico-De-wop sent me these frankly shit pictures fucking ages ago with some dull text that I have since lost. 

I can imagine the majority know what is coming next...Yes complete fabrication of the exact events.

Never let the truth get in the way of a lame attempt at humour, thats what my old nan told me before she got stuck into a bottle VAT 69.  Anyway over to Marco...

Hi Dan, how are you mate?  I never told you I loved you before you left Dover - well there you have it - I love you and my life, marriage in fact everything is a sham. 

Anyway, got that of me chest, I was out with my beard the other day for a pint, putting on a deep voice and everything, when I clocked some scratchings behind the bar.  "Mans snacks" I said to the inconsequential other half and purchased a pack along side a pint in a ludicrous overtly manly china pint pot.  It's obvious I'm screaming.

Marco - the G&T is yours - we all know.

Any way as suspected they were disgusting and I will never have them again.  On the way home I also clocked this.

I did not put them there - honest

It's like fate - you write a blog about scratchings and I see two packs in one day!  Oh I'm all a tither. 

Anyway I ride bikes now so if you want to see me in Lycra get back down south - love you Marco.

Er......cheers Marco.  Keep up the good work.

More scratching, beer or cigarette related fun as soon as I can be arsed.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Christ on a fucking bike

Shit the bath!

Turns out we have a bird reading the blog, we will be putting moisturiser on next and eating fucking quiche at this rate!

Anyway supposed regular reader and full time cunt Joanne Ayeoop emailed me the other day, and testament to her, told me a story about a scratching she had way back in 2007 or something.  Over to you Joanne.

I have a scratching story to tell you and it happened fucking ages ago, Christmas 2007 to be precise.  I was out on the smash in some wanky jazz pub place by centenary square / paradise forum (that's Birmingham for any of you cunts who dont know) can't even remember the name it was so long ago... Anyway, I was about 9 pints of cider deep and fucking starving.  I could have quiete easily eaten a scabby monkey fried in clarts, what I did get was probably worse to be honest.  I toddled over to the bar and was gobsmnacked this wanky pseudo trendy cak hole I was in even sold scrtatchings so when I clocked them I was in like fucking flynn.  I ate most of the cunts but lurking at the bottom, well I was so disgusted by what came out of the packet that I had to photograph it... I am still amazed, I have to keep the pictures as evidence...

It looks like a really stubby deformed cock
Who would have thought that some dickhead would write a blog about it and share it all these years later!!...You really are a cunt.

I have to say I have never purchased a packet since!!! I feel better for sharing... now please don't swear at me or call me a cunt!!! ta

Ok Joanne  - thanks for sharing.  I promise I have not altered any of your words, called you a cunt, or embellished your story in any way whatsover*

* I have - you cunt.

If you would like me to ridicule you in anyway, make you appear more sweary than you actually are or simply provide me with any mildy interesting subject matter for this woeful attempt at a blog then email me on

Saturday, April 02, 2011

April 2011 - it's been a while

Morning cunts

It's been a while - 9 months to be precise.  Did you seriously expect anything less?  The initial furore followed by a slow down then complete inactivity.  It's the fucking rules ain't it.

Pressing matters to attend to first - last Summer the blog went on a fact finding mission to Spain.  Well I called it a fact finding mission but the fucking wife insisted on bringing the kids and calling it a holiday!

What I found out:  The Spanish don't do scratchings, they do do beer (well fucking Continental lager - when in Rome Rodney) and  they love a tab.  It was Marley lights all the way. Also It's fucking hot.

 Pissy lager stuff

 Fucking ace chorizo in a little burner you cook yer self - lazy cunts can't be arsed so get you to do it


 Ribs and chips - fucking aceness

 Some such shit or other

All the stuff you can have in stead of scratchings - I feel sorry for them - I do.

Me pissed up on booze

Remember I said it was hot - well it was so hot I started involuntarily sweating out of my arsehole.

That was last summers expedition filed and reported - I'm sure you all feel completely educated regards the Spanish, their booze habits, their snacking habits and the fact it's fucking hot.

If anyone is remotely interested I went here.

So then - I suppose I had better think of something else to fucking prattle on about.  If you can think of something or even better a photo of some beer or scratchings or you sweating out of your arsehole then I can write some shit to go with it and abuse you.  And that.